Just before closing I decided I wanted to learn more about Australian football.
Carefully researching all options in the AFL More or less selecting some teams to see at random and then asking on the Internet “which AFL team is the most Spurs”, I finally decided on Port Adelaide, the most successful club in AFL history but who had not won anything in A long time. Hey, the fandom has been determined by much stupider criteria!
The AFL stopped along with the rest of the sports around the world, but recently started again, and since Fox Sports shows the AFL games early in the morning, I can set up my DVR and watch it later. The Power has some players with excellent hair, but there is a guy on his team, Scott Lycett, who has a GLORIOUS mustache. Seriously, it’s the best sport I’ve seen since Kirk Gibson.
Look, I don’t know much about Aussie Rules Football, but if I wasn’t a Port Adelaide supporter yet, I’d be alone now because of this guy’s mustache. pic.twitter.com/Ftxpg0xkt8
– Dustin George-Miller (@dustingm) June 22, 2020
From what I’ve deduced, it’s a new style, and probably inspired by the coronavirus shutdown, because seriously, what else are professional athletes going to do with their time except hair growth? I tweeted the above, some Aussie Spurs fans gave it RT multiple times, and I finally ended up with a response from the official Port Adelaide account.
Since then, I have gained at least 20 followers on Twitter, almost all of the Aussie Port Adelaide followers who have welcomed me with open arms (even when they tell me that I have made a mistake in the Premier League club). Honestly, they are the sweetest and most welcoming fan base I have ever met. I am a supporter of Port Adelaide now. #CarnThePear
So that’s the inspiration for today’s player rating topic: COVID hair and specifically TOTTENHAM COVID hair. We have talked a bit about this in separate articles, but it seems appropriate since England is still a bit closed in closing, but we are still playing professional sports.
Here are their player ratings for Tottenham’s London Derby 2-0 victory over West Ham, with the theme of COVID hairstyles.
5 star: Alfie Whiteman
He may not be a star player on this Tottenham team, but few players came out of COVID closing looking better than Alfie. The combination of the longest hair plus the amazing beard and the friend whoo almost Pirlo-esque [fans self]. He may not see the field of play for the Spurs first team, but it’s pretty good for a white man.
Giovani Lo Celso (Community – 4.5): It’s Gio’s first game in the aftermath of COVID, and despite missing the first game due to the aftermath of injury, he came out HUGE from a central position in midfield. He assisted Sonny for his goal (offside), prepared Kane for another chance (which he lost) and Soucek deflected his corner kick. The best player on the field for a mile of field.
If Whiteman has the 5-star hair / beard combo, Gazzaniga, another substitute keeper for Tottenham, is probably around 4.9. This photo is amazing. That smile! That hair! That beard! Unfortunately, we have to lower it a bit to fit here, but it is another who has the cheekbones to wear a good beard and to wear his hair a little longer.
Eric Dier (Community – 4.0): José Mourinho has arranged for Eric Dier? He is playing one of his best football games right now from a central position. Another solid outing today in association with Davinson Sánchez, and it seems like it’s his position to lose right now.
Harry kane (Community – 4.0): After all the twisting of United’s hands, this was one of Harry’s best performances in a long time. It took him a while to get into the game, but six shots to his credit, a breakout goal and some incredible passes from deep positions. Sorry Harry. Keep doing this.
4 stars – Giovani Lo Celso
Giovani Lo Celso is an extremely handsome man. That’s. That is the category.
Moussa Sissoko (Community – 4.0): What if Sissoko is the defensive midfielder we’ve been waiting for? Mourinho has put him in a position where he can do everything he does well (run, defensive pressure, tackle) and without all the things he is bad at (kicking the ball). I like to watch him play, and when was the last time you heard me say THAT?
Erik Lamela (Community – 3.5): Lamela has made a couple of ordered changes in these first two games, but this one on the bench was the best. He hit the side net at one point and also got the ball back on the play that ended with Kane scoring. I love it.
3.5 stars – Eric Dier
You know, part of me was hoping Dier would show up with some kind of scruffy shaggy lumberjack who hadn’t washed my hair in months, because it seems like the kind of thing he would do, you know? But instead, she obviously found her trimmers and ended up with a # 1 / # 2 dual-layer buzz that frankly looks great. It’s not the most creative cut, but it screams “I care about my appearance” while also something he or someone in his closed circle could easily do.
Son Heung-Min (Community – 3.5): You should have had a goal if VAR hadn’t considered your toenail. He looked brilliant and enlisted Kane’s help despite taking time to get into the game.
Serge Aurier (Community – 3.5): I was quite impressed with Serge’s defensive work in this match. I advanced much more on Tuesday but it was missing its final product. Still, after all, a good match.
Lucas Moura (Community – 3.0): The ball was sheathed at one point forcing a great save from Fabianski. The ball went well too, but he missed an enraging open gaze at goal.
Ben davies (Community – 3.5): Another surprisingly solid start from Ben, which looks like the left back, we all thought it would be when we signed him. It works well as a third auxiliary center when the Spurs are attacking.
Davinson Sanchez (Community – 3.5): Outclassed by his defensive teammate, but Sanchez had a good game against a West Ham attack that can (but cannot) cause trouble for teams.
3 stars – Erik Lamela
When Lamela reported to train with … that, I tweeted that although the Tottenham players tested negative for COVID, Lamela tested positive for poor hair choices. In that photo, she looks like the Argentine Ted Danson. It’s better now that it’s turned into a more faded black-and-white look, so we’ll upgrade its rating to a nice one, even three stars. The haircut looks good! The color … well.
Hugo Lloris (Community – 4.0: Hugo literally had nothing to do as West Ham only recorded one shot on goal (although they did have a post hit). For games like this, 3 stars is the default rating.
Steven Bergwijn (Community – 3.5): He came on as a substitute for the last 20 minutes for Lucas as fresh legs, but didn’t have the same impact he had against United. However, it did give Aaron Cresswell some food for thought.
Jose Mourinho (Community – 3.5): Set up Spurs to play with more possession against West Ham, which was the right choice. However, his decision not to use all of his substitutions remains puzzling. We will not enter the Ndombele situation here.
2.5 stars – Dele
Dele reported in the After Times with new facial hair: a goatee. You wonder if he grew up because he wanted to look older (which is 90% of the time why most 20-year-old guys grow facial hair), but it’s not a good look because the mustache and hair on the chin not connect. So it looks … just weird. Honestly, I would respect him more if he just grew the ‘stache’, because that’s not a great aspect.
Dele (Community – 3.0): Dele’s performance guarantees its own category? How appropriate! Not that Dele was necessarily BAD in this performance, he just looked very, very rusty. He worked hard and you can see what he was trying to do, but although most of his teammates had an extra match to shake off the cobwebs, this was his first comeback match. It’s okay. It will be OK
2 stars – Tanguy Ndombele mysterious cut
Tanguy Ndombele probably has bad hair. That is the theory, at least. Look, we really don’t know because he’s been wearing a hat over his head almost since training started again, even in hot weather. Bad cut maybe? Hide male pattern baldness? Did Danny-Rose’s style dye job go wrong? Who knows! It’s a mystery that won’t be solved until he actually takes the pitch for a match, and considering everything that’s whirling around him in the moment, who knows if or when that will happen. So I’m going to pretend you have a mullet underneath.
1 star – David Moyes
Okay, so maybe it’s a cheat because this is not a Tottenham personality, but I was especially impressed by the COVID hair of West Ham manager David Moyes during yesterday’s game. Congratulations to Moyesie, who obviously has not secretly seen a barber since the UK closed in March, but good grief, could he use one. It seems that Moyes is slowly becoming Art Garfunkel.
No Tottenham Hotspur player was as bad as David Moyes’ hair.
Tom Carroll Memorial No Rating
Harry Winks (Community – 3.0)