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SINGAPORE: After months of fighting and additional stress at home, Jack and Rose * considered divorcing due to “deep levels of pain” resulting from stresses during the COVID-19 “breaker” period.
With everyone at home, there was more chores and cleaning to do. As the schools were closed, they also had to supervise their seven-year-old son who was learning at home.
Speaking to CNA about the couple’s experience, Singapore Counseling Center (SCC) director of wellness John Shepherd Lim said: “The wife, who was the primary caregiver, was very stressed and frustrated that her husband was not helping the house despite his presence at home. ”
This is a “very typical situation” for families during the breaker period, Lim noted, adding that the “levels of pain” and the “degree of relational tension” in Jack and Rose’s case were due to tone and tone. aggressiveness when the couple communicated with each other.
The real names of the couple were not given due to confidentiality issues.
“The wife accused her husband of being useless and indifferent, which made the husband feel invalidated as he worked hard to feed the family; the husband accused his wife of being loud and irritating, which made the wife even more upset that her feelings were not understood, ”said Mr. Lim.
The couple is not the only one who sees tensions rise at home after long periods of being at home and working together from home. The therapists and counselors CNA spoke with saw an increase in the number of couples and individuals reaching out to them due to relationship problems.
CHALLENGES ADAPTABLE TO NEW ROUTINES
Alliance Counseling saw 30 to 40 percent more couples and individuals in the past six months, said counselor Martine Hill.
Working together from home puts more pressure on couples because their daily routines have been disrupted and it is difficult for them to adjust to changes, Ms Hill said.
“They have not learned to set appropriate limits on who is doing what. How are you going to divide your time? Who gets the computer? And in some way, there are many factors that can influence them, in particular the actual confinement of space, “he added.
With the COVID-19 pandemic, life as they knew it has disappeared and many people were unable to explain what they were experiencing, Ms Hill said.
“They knew they were so tired. They knew they were feeling lazy, but they couldn’t put into words what they were experiencing … Therefore, they are often more irritable or less patient with the people around them, but they couldn’t communicate, “she added.
“So it was like: why do we get into these arguments? Why do we get into big fights? Why am I so irritable? Why is everyone driving me crazy?
LESS PERSONAL SPACE, BLURRY BOUNDARIES
At SCC, Mr. Lim saw a 20 percent increase in the number of couples attending counseling sessions over the past six months compared to the beginning of this year.
Decreased personal space is a “major stressor,” Lim said. “In all relationships, it is healthy for couples to maintain a good balance between personal and shared space, as personal space allows the individual to retain a sense of self and identity, as well as to satisfy their own wants and needs.”
“When tensions arise, having to go to work can serve as a much-needed respite for both parties to calm down, allowing them to be in a better state of mind to deal with the conflict calmly when they return,” he added. .
“However, having to cope for long periods of time at home tends to make people frustrated, which reduces the emotional capacity of both parties to tolerate and enjoy each other.”
Having both partners work from home also “blurs the lines between work and family,” Lim said.
Before the pandemic, people were able to focus on work in the office and spend time with family when they were at home. However, the presence of family members or children in one’s work space at home could generate conflicts in work and family demands, he added.
“With the added demand of having to attend to family needs, differences in expectations and values when it comes to burden sharing in this regard is also a common point of conflict,” said Mr. Lim.
Those who work longer hours can expect their partners who are unemployed or who finish work earlier to take on more household responsibilities, Ms. Hill noted. “It could be something like ‘If you finished early, how come you didn’t make dinner?'”
READ: Singapore staff cuts rise in first half of year, surpassing SARS peak: MOM
The counselors also noted that money and work problems were another factor in many disagreements between the couples they saw.
“There can be pressures of not knowing if they have a job, or maybe they already lost it. There is an external pressure of money. There is also the external pressure of not knowing how long this will last, ”said Ms. Hill.
“And then there is the question of which job is more important,” he added.
MORE QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE
While the Family Court of Justice said it “has not yet seen an increasing trend in the number of divorce applications filed,” several attorneys told CNA that they have had more investigations since the inception of the circuit breaker.
Gloria James-Civetta & Co attorney Gloria James-Civetta said the firm received between 60 and 80 calls and emails per month from April to June from people seeking divorce.
On the commonly cited reasons for divorce and separation, Ms. James-Civetta said: “Being confined with the person 24/7 made them realize that it is unavoidable and has no meaning to prolong suffering “.
IRB Law LLP attorney Nureliza Syahidain Effendy said she has seen at least 20 percent more divorce inquiries since April, with many couples specifically citing the circuit breaker as a reason.
“Before (the circuit breaker), they were actually saying … oh, this person is unreasonable, because of our differences in character, etc., we can’t stay married to each other.
“But when it comes to the circuit breaker itself, they actually cite those reasons specifically, (saying) that because of the recent circuit breaker, we realized that we are not compatible and I cannot bear this kind of behavior for too long. ,” she said.
Financial problems are another reason cited. With people losing their jobs or being forced to take unpaid leave, these stressors could affect the marriage, Ms. Nureliza said.
Some have presented it for family violence.
Citing a case she is handling, Ms. Nureliza said the woman sought help from the firm as a victim of domestic abuse.
“And then later on she decided that look, because of this domestic abuse, I don’t think she can tolerate this behavior; It is very stressful for me, it is very scary to be with a person who has shown me this type of behavior. So he has decided to proceed with his divorce. “
Such cases make up a significant part of recent divorce investigations, he said, and he attributed it to the rise in domestic violence over the circuit breaker.
READ: 22% Increase in Family Violence Reports Since Breaker Period Start: SPF
READ: COVID-19: MSF ‘closely monitors’ domestic abuse cases as more seek help during breaker period
But not all couples end up divorcing. Some started procedures, only to ask later if they can withdraw from the process.
“I say, sure. Whatever works for you because at the end of the day, make sure that whatever decision (that) you are going to make is not something that (you) will regret in the future, just because of a one-time incident, ”Ms. Nureliza. .
SET BOUNDARIES AND COMMUNICATE BETTER
When resolving tensions in the relationship, therapists said couples should set time and space limits to ensure a balance between personal and shared space.
This could include having fixed workspaces in separate rooms. They could also discuss which parts of the day they would rather not be disturbed, while committing to being more present at home during other parts of the day, Lim said.
Dr. Tracie Lazaroo, a clinical psychologist with Inner Light Psychological Services and LP Clinic, said couples must manage mutual expectations and hone communication skills to facilitate conflict resolution.
“It was also important to teach couples how to manage their anxiety and uncertainty about confinement to prevent them from becoming an echo chamber between them where their projected discomfort and worry create more tension and tension within the relationship,” he added.
Partners should also be aware that both parties are going through a difficult period, with “increased demands and emotions,” said Mr. Lim.
“Being aware of the increased emotionality one is experiencing would allow the person to step back to recognize the impact that the external environment has on the relationship.”
He added: “While the COVID-19 situation has caused a lot of abrasion in relationships, it has also raised many problems in our communication and relational styles that need to be improved. If handled well, we would emerge from this crisis stronger and closer. “
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