Good evening, America. I’m Chris Murphy, and I’m going to go in for this week’s immortal Brian Moylan while he’s on vacation. I co-write recipes for Ziwe’s Instagram Live and I study top of my class from the School of Reality Television Arts and Sciences with a concentration in Housewives Psychoanalysis, so, I assure you, you are in good hands. Also in 2011 I was interviewed for a Daily Beast article called “Real Housewives: Why Teens Love It”, so you know I’m hardcore. But enough about how young I am, let’s dive in and talk about the (literal) reason for the season, Miss Rebecca Leeman aka Kelly Lanier Van Ryan aka Denise “Bravo, Bravo, fucking Bravo” Richards.
Well, no judgment, but until this weekend I did not get the hype around Denise. Yes, she was a Bond girl. Yes, she was a tabloid fixture in the early aughts. Yes, her husband has an enormous snake, but as a viewer I did not really understand what made her special. In my eyes, she was still a handsome woman of a certain age who was once single, like so many women in the franchise before her. And then this weekend I watched Drop Dead beautiful (now streaming on HBO Max) for the first time, and everything became glass clear. She was, just put, incredible. Truly captivating and truly hilarious on screen (not to mention drop! Death! Beautiful!), Denise was more than able to keep up with future movie stars Brittany Murphy (RIP), Kirsten Dunst, and Amy Adams. The performance ‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off You’ alone cements Denise in the pantheon of greatest camp performances of all time. Say what you will about Denise Richards from Downers Grove, Illinois, but she has something that all the money in the world you can not buy and it’s a little thing I like to call talent [snuffs out cigarette with the toe of my high heeled shoe].
Talent, as we all know, is kryptonite in the Universe of Housewives. Denise is on a different level than these women and she knows it and she knows it and she hates it for it. Therefore, she refuses to play by the rules and why Brian Moylan shyly remarks that she is an existential threat to the entire franchise. She does not need it. The irony of it all is that by not giving her shit, Denise made herself the most indispensable part of the RHOBH. Without her there is no season and therefore Denise can do whatever the hell she wants. Bravo, Bravo, and with me repeat again, Bravo.
And with that revelation, we begin to touch the episode to every woman in her natural habitat: Lisa Rinna works out with Amelia Gray (severe addiction), Garcelle in the car with her son (adorable), and Teddi exposes her [checks notes] black and gray baby shower. Teddi’s gray baby daycare … where do I start myself? I’m not one for gender norms, but we could not land on a green or yellow? The messy, black, and gray baby daydream is a physical manifestation of Teddi: drowsy, dull, and deeply sad. The atmosphere of the nursery is monochromatic toddler. Abolish the prison industrial complex and also abolish Teddi’s daycare center.
We happily transition to the six best seconds of my life, or Erika Jayne herself in the promos for watch Chicago. As a theater kid, I will never forgive myself for not seeing Erika Girardi star as Roxie Hart on Broadway. God does not want excuses. I only have one: I thought I would have more time. After watching her promo, I’m still very upset now, because from the clip it looks like Erika gave an absolute, University of Michigan approval, the house down, tits-and-teeth, straps-and -bleed performances as Roxie Hart. Renee Zellweger shakes and Michelle Williams van Fosse / Verdon was found dead in a ditch. You can keep your Disney + Hamiltons and you Netflix Dianas, I want a Youtube bootleg from Erika Girardi doing the Hot Honey Rag, and I want it yesterday.
We then come to Denise’s only scene of the evening, debriefing of the trip to Rome in Garcelle’s beautiful house that does not remind me of the model house from Arrested Development. Denise, rocket a sweater that says “LOVE” on it because she’s fully committed to this “cute girl” rebrand, trusts her only friend (and rightly so, if we keep it to a hundred) over the thread and tribulations of Rome and how she really feels about the other ladies. Garcelle listens and winks intensely because she’s a Real FriendTM, and it’s all very fun, but the best moment comes out with Denise’s confession: “Aaron and I have no secrets from each other,” Denise says. ‘And if I came home and said’ Hey, I slept with Brandi ‘, then he would be like’ Well, how come I’t not be invited? ‘ En when I got home and said Hey, I slept with Brandi. It’s the smoking gun. It’s Mrs. Peacock in the library with the chandelier. It’s OJ Simpson to get someone to ghostwrite the book As I Did It: Killer Confidence. It’s not an acknowledgment of guilt, but it’s an acknowledgment of … something.
Unfortunately, we are forced to leave the warmth of Garcelle and Denise’s friendship and first descend into the Ionian Sea with everyone’s favorite looney-tune Dorit, while she welcomes us to the grand opening of a few tables in ‘ the back room of Betty di Boop Boop. To go from Rome to the back room of Buddha di Bell Hop is supposed to say the least. Speaking of sobriety, Dorit’s interior design skills were a big miss for me. For someone who brings it stylishly, Dorit’s aesthetic interior seems to be inspired by the ‘Live, Laugh, Love!’ drawing in your mother-in-law’s kitchen. I honestly preferred Baba di Booey before Dorit got her hands on it. In flashbacks, it seemed kitschy and fun and had big red toilets, but I still have the taste level of someone who opted for all his kids anniversary days at T.GI.Fridays. Dorit’s room was not so much Capri, Italy as Capri Sun.
After a sneak peek at Bocce di Baseball, we make our way to Amelia Grey’s sunny, modest 900-square-foot, one-bedroom apartment that costs a ridiculous $ 5,700 a month. I’m kidding, it’s ridiculous and hereditary wealth is one of society’s biggest diseases. However, we have bigger fish to fry, as Lisa Rinna insists on asking Amelia Gray if she is responsible for her eating disorder on camera. I’ll get out there and say it: I sometimes feel like I’m the only gay man in America, not completely under Lisa Rinna’s spelling. I find her exhausting, false and manipulative in a sweeter and less graceful way than the original Lisa, Miss LVP (RIP). As such, it was difficult for me to see that Rinna used Amelia to try to take herself away from dismissal: food problems and Amelia’s mental health. I do not think Garcelle tried to shame Lisa as a mother – I just think she has a tendency to ask difficult questions. (Where did Sutton get her money from?) Anyway, I praise Amelia for being so open about her cravings on camera, and I’m really glad she’s in a better place. I also liked Rinna’s bandanna.
We’ll be back to Booby di Back Rolls soon for Teddi’s baby shower. I personally want Dorit to win a Golden Globe for Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy for her performance as “Woman Who Think Denise Richards Will Show To The Event.” Was it a credible achievement? No, but unfortunately she promised to do so. The Golden Globe for Best Costume Design goes to the stylist who told Kim Richards to wear both headbands en the choker instead of landing on one accessory. Also, despite what I said about Lisa Rinna, I would absolutely, without question — ask to see a spinoff about her and Kim navigating are related by marriage. This is to me that I speak of existence.
Denise’s apology that she was sick ‘all day and night’ as a way to prevent Teddi’s baby shower is brilliant in disarray. It’s such a lazy lie that you have to wonder about the fact that Denise has no trouble coming up with anything else. I love their lack of energy. Go girl! Give us nothing!
This is probably a good time as to mention that Sutton is also at the baby shower and has not been seen or heard of the entire episode and I have really not noticed or worried. They can keep the baby and her dresses on the shelf for the rest of the season. However, it strikes me as the opposite of surprise that Teddi’s group of friends only consists of 1) Real housewives and 2) Musical white women. Her bad Dorit impression running into the party and the inability to fill surprise at the surprise shower are now par for the course, but are nonetheless disappointing. I do not like their lack of energy. No, fan. Give us something.
The girls have to kill time at the party before Brandi Glanville is called to set, so Garcelle astutely indicates that Lisa Rinna has been really annoying about Erika Jayne’s Broadway debut. That’s why Garcelle is an A-level housewife in her first season out of the gate. She’s not afraid of any of these women or the hierarchy, because she, like Denise, actually has talent and a life outside of the show, which is a shame for us because we do not see her on the program as much as I do. would like. It was very nice of her to catch up, put Lisa Rinna in her place and go away to meet her Black friends who deserve their own show. If it was anything, Rinna got us to give us some epic fucking freeze when she said, “You know me better than the Garcellllleeeee.”
Finally, the woman of the hour, Brandi Glanville, drops by to deliver the goods, as we have been waiting since December of 2019, when it was announced that Denise Richards would stop filming RHOBH in the middle of the season. Brandi seems nervous and out of sorts, and does not complete her sentences or words at all. She does not seem to necessarily lie, but she also does not make much sense. It makes Kyle persistent for her seems to be even stranger. “Is this your queen?” I was yelling at Kyle on my television when Kyle said from the nest that Brandi was a good mom on camera. Thankfully, between designing Bisquik di BoBo and trying on outfits, Dorit had time to go to law school, get her JD, and investigate Brandi about all of Denise’s nonsense. Restart Erin Brokovich with Dorit.
Brandi’s big reveal is a series of text messages exchanged with Denise, proving that they have more than just a cursory relationship. The evidence against Denise is pretty damn good, mostly because Denise would absolutely call anyone a “nice mama”. The power with which Teddi and Kyle jump on these lyrics as a justification for basically Denise going out on television is shocking to me. I, for one, would not have wanted them to sniff around my text messages when I went to high school, that’s for sure. They are so privileged, and may not even think that what they are thinking about trying to make good television is actually … morally reprehensible.
Brandi had to cry that she saw ‘Denise’ [REDACTED]”? Probably not. Am I glad she did? You’re right. Although it’s pretty clear she said “titty”, I would choose to believe she said “itty bitty.” For Brandi to compare Denise’s manipulation with the MVP LVP is hilarious and wrong. Denise is not a manipulator. She’s a star. Brandi fell into her orbit and was blended in front of her face. LVP is someone who pulls puppet strings in her sleep for a living and she has done a damn good job of it.
The women are left to choose sides: Team Brandi or Team Denise. Kyle and Teddi, the ‘truth seekers’, are on Brandi’s side. Erika, who is fully controlled and seems to have a migraine, also falls on Brandi’s side, because at this point. Lisa Rinna, who is clearly gearing up for a role in Big Little Lies Season 3, also hires Team Brandi, while only the mafia boss from Basic di Bougie’s back room remains somewhat loyal to Denise. Of course, Denise lies through her teeth about everything that happened to Brandi. It doesn’t take an architect to see that her story is built from balsa wood and Elmer’s glue bought from a run down Michael’s. However, it does not matter, because it is none of their business. With one episode left in the season, it looks like the ladies will continue to keep Denise’s feet on the fire, even if it’s the ones that end up burning. #TeamDenise
