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Vaccine or placebo?
The lab staff tagged me with my name and took me to an office, where they explained what would happen. They also gave me a 22 page document with all the details.
The trial consists of two doses. Volunteers are paid $ 2,400 over the course of the two-year study. They warned of possible side effects, from pain at the injection site to fever and chills.
The 30,000 subjects are divided into two groups: those who receive the vaccine and those who receive a placebo.
“Even we don’t know which is which,” the nurse told me when I asked about my group. Only Moderna knows, but not until the data is compiled and analyzed.
I asked if I could have an antibody test, but the nurse said the results were not foolproof.
“Not knowing is going to kill me,” I said.
As I took my blood pressure, the nurse looked at me and said, in a rather serious tone: “Placebos are as important as the vaccine. The trial needs a control group. Either way, you are helping humanity.”
I felt guilty for obsessing over my condition, instead of focusing on the overall goal: helping everyone overcome this pandemic. Then I stopped asking questions.
Two dose history
The nurse took six to eight vials of my blood, I lost count. They gave me a pregnancy test and stressed the importance of using contraception during the trial, saying that the possible side effects to a fetus were unknown.
Then two people with the vaccine entered a cooler. Or maybe it was the placebo.
They laughed when I asked them to document the moment in an image. For them, it was just another Tuesday.
The injection didn’t hurt. They took me to a waiting room, where I was observed for half an hour as a precaution. Three or four other volunteers checked their phones while they waited.
One of the nurses was wearing a Superman cape.
“Why the cape?” I asked.
“Because we are all heroes here, girl,” he said.
I have a bunch of booties, stickers, a t-shirt, a mask, with “Covid warriors” or “Covid superheroes” written on it.
The lab asked me to download an app to monitor my temperature and any eventual symptoms.
When I got home, my arm hurt a little. I wondered: did I really get the vaccine? Three days of searching the internet for “vaccine injection site”, “muscle pain” and other terms got me nowhere.
The second dose arrived in mid-September. It hurt a lot more and for a while. A hard red knot emerged at the injection site.
But I still have no idea if it was the placebo or the vaccine. I have to wait for Moderna to tell me, one day.
Eventually I realized that participating in the trial was a way of processing my grief – losing my father and seeing the world upside down.
It was a small gesture, but it was the only way I could make myself believe that we are fighting.
Also read: Coronavirus Tips: Do Masks Really Help Prevent Covid-19?
