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Kate Callaghan was lying on a bed at Wanaka Medical Center when she turned to her husband Aaron and spoke her last words.
“I’m not sure I can do it again,” she sighed as a tear rolled down the 36-year-old mother-of-two’s cheek, and she lost consciousness.
Kate, a holistic nutritionist considered “too healthy for cancer” by medical professionals, has not yet given up on her fight against breast cancer.
After 40 minutes of CPR, he was breathing again, but was deemed too vulnerable to send the rescue helicopter to Dunedin hospital.
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* Doctors thought Wanaka nutritionist Kate Callaghan was ‘too healthy’ for cancer
They took her to a hospice unit inside a nearby nursing home. Soon friends arrived with plants and photos to brighten the room, and their children Olivia, 5, and Ed, 2, were on their way to see her.
Debbie Jamieson / Stuff
Aaron Callaghan at his home in Lake Hawea with Ed, 3, and Olivia, 5. The family is learning to live without their mother Kate, who died of breast cancer two months earlier.
But before they arrived, Aaron knew that Kate had reached the end.
“It was just me and her. I was holding her hand and she was taking one last breath, which is often still an image I see when I go to bed at night, ”he says.
“I couldn’t cry and I felt guilty about it. I was emotionally empty. “
Supplied / Stuff
Doctors considered Kate Callaghan, a holistic nutritionist, personal trainer and lifestyle consultant, to be at too low a risk for cancer.
For over a year, Kate and Aaron had been on a “journey” through cancer.
In June 2019, doctors told her that the lump in her breast was nothing to worry about, an eventual shunt disappeared, and in November she received the cruel news that the cancer had spread to her lymph nodes and liver, so that he was no longer eligible for treatment. , only palliative care.
Kate was super healthy and with degrees in communications and dietetics, she felt driven to seek and pursue solutions, along with conventional care. She and Aaron went to Mexico for treatment. Later he sought out spiritual counselors.
But on June 25 of this year that journey came to an end and since then Aaron has cried a lot, oscillating between a fully functional father and overwhelmed with emotion.
Last week, while driving Ed, now 3, to kindergarten, Ed asked to hear Dance Monkey, one of the songs that was played at Kate’s funeral.
“So I take him to kindergarten and I cry, and he’s in the back saying ‘this is mom. Not dad? ‘.
“I was in a really good space and all of a sudden I went downstairs again and tried to get ready to take Ed in.”
Debbie Jamieson / THINGS
Aaron Callaghan leads hundreds of friends and family in a dance to celebrate the life of his wife Kate.
One night I was putting Olivia to bed when she commented that she missed Mom.
“I agreed and started crying. She just looked at me and said ‘Daddy, Mom will always be there in your heart and mind.’ That’s pretty good for a five-year-old. “
Since Kate died, Olivia and Ed have been sharing a bedroom with Aaron. They are often all in the same bed, comforting each other, crying themselves to sleep.
Ed constantly wants hugs. Olivia feels like she’s missing it. When they fall, they love mom.
“I feel pressure to do the best job I can,” Aaron says.
“But I am aware that I do not assume all that responsibility and I am burned.”
Debbie Jamieson / Stuff
Aaron Callaghan is now raising his two children in the Lake Hawea home he built with his wife Kate, after she died of breast cancer.
He knows to ask for help when he needs it, and has been overwhelmed by the support of family, friends and the close-knit Lake Hawea community where they live.
She spoke with a counselor and met a child psychologist who advocated, among other things, honesty with children.
“Then Olivia asked me, ‘Will Mommy rot?’
“I said ‘Mom is really going to be cremated.’ And as soon as I said that I was like ‘oh man, I made a mistake here.’
Olivia wanted to know what cremation was and the look of panic on her face when the fire was mentioned required another trip to see Kate.
“The first thing he did was go to the coffin and put his hand over his heart. Then he pinched her and pulled her hair. “
In her own way, Olivia was testing the theory that Kate would feel nothing in the fire. She was satisfied.
For the last week, Kate’s parents have returned home to Sydney and Aaron and the kids are now working on their routine.
Aaron, a former professional rugby player and personal trainer, is back at work as a Coach Development Officer for the Otago Rugby Union. The children are in school and nursery. But Kate is never far away.
Supplied
Kate and Aaron Callaghan shortly after the birth of their son Ed.
Aaron says he still talks to her, the only woman he ever said he loved, the woman who made him a better person every time he was with her, the woman he “hit the jackpot” with.
“I miss fun. We used to laugh and laugh and laugh. To ourselves. Each other. That is very energizing. “
A recent overnight trip to the snow farm for a 6km snowshoe expedition to a cabin was the cause of many “conversations” with Kate.
“There were three other families plus myself and eight children five years old or younger. It was always going to be a disaster, ”she says.
He felt compelled to participate to celebrate the birthday of a supportive friend, but the night before the children had gotten up between 3 am and 5 am loving their mother.
“In my head I must have canceled the trip five times, but then it always came back to ‘what would Kate do?’ Usually it would be the stick in the mud and say ‘no’. Kate always said ‘we have to do these things,’ so we ended up going. “
The idea was for the adults to pull the children on sleds. In reality, Ed refused to go on the sled or backpack, insisting that Aaron carry it.
The group left later than planned, the weather began to approach before they reached the cabin, the children were hungry, and Aaron’s muscles burned.
“There were numerous times on that walk where I was talking, yelling, laughing at myself, laughing at Kate. “This is your fault,” I said. ‘I hope you’re laughing.’
Supplied
Smiling despite a “disastrous” snowshoeing expedition for Aaron Callaghan with children Ed, 3, and Olivia, 5.
Cancer has turned things around now and left Aaron with many questions, like what could have been done better? And why has this happened at all?
“There is a bit of anger. Like many people, I think it’s not fair, but for me, I have to be very careful not to spend too much time in that kind of space. Things can get pretty dark pretty quickly. “
He considers the failures in diagnosis and Kate’s care to come from the system.
The decision in June last year not to refer Kate for further investigation was due to the fact that her good health, age and background counted against her.
“She wasn’t checking any of the boxes so she couldn’t move on to the next step because there could be a cost to our system.”
While the original practice of the GP who did not refer Kate has changed her procedures, there is no guarantee that it will not happen elsewhere. She also saw problems with a lack of communication between departments within the same hospitals.
These are the result of systemic problems that take time and money to resolve and will not happen in an electoral cycle, he says.
He was also surprised by the apparent lack of empathy from some doctors.
One example was the phone call Kate received from the Dunedin specialist two or three days before her surgery in November.
“Actually, I wasn’t here when Kate got the phone call, but the surgeon told me ‘it’s gone to the liver, there’s nothing we can do, palliative care. Goodbye’.
“That’s a pretty tough phone call to take.”
Language, he says, can be devastating and it can be powerful.
“So if you walk in and they tell you there’s nothing that can be done and statistically blah blah blah … it’s almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He has advice for others who might find themselves in a similar situation – find out what you can and ask the experts.
“If there is any doubt, you have to be very prepared to drive it yourself.”
Aaron says he is telling his story in hopes that it can help anyone who is on a similar journey. That’s what Kate would have wanted.
In the future, he hopes to share some of what he has learned and is considering men’s health training and bringing together different cancer experts to share their knowledge.
But for now, he is focused on his children and the long way to go.
“It will be difficult. It is never something I anticipate, but as a family we will be fine. I’m sure of that “.
