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A former mainstay of the Wallabies has opened up about his experiences of being secretly gay and the struggles that come with hiding his sexuality.
And palmer [centre] during a Wallabies test against Scotland. Source: Getty
Dan Palmer wrote in the Sydney Morning Herald about his torment before a conversation with a friend saved his life.
“I despised myself and the life I was living. I was caught in a false narrative and saw no way out. Most nights I would cry myself to sleep and routinely doze off with a heavy cocktail of opioids, ”wrote Palmer.
“I fantasized about disappearing, changing my name, and starting my life over. It’s not an exaggeration to say that my own death felt preferable to someone finding out I was gay. “
Palmer, who got his first and only Wallabies Test cap in 2012, said he hopes sharing his story will help others facing similar problems.
The 32-year-old said his lowest point came while playing in France, where he overdosed on painkillers and woke up in a puddle of food the day before.
“I drove to the airport in a particularly reckless way, silently thinking that if I hit a tree I wouldn’t have to go through what I was about to do.”
Fortunately, though, Palmer ended up telling a friend in London that he was gay, which took a lot of weight off his shoulders. He retired from rugby shortly after.
Palmer added that the recent Israel Folau saga wasn’t the main factor behind telling his story, but it did play a role.
Rugby Australia terminated its contract with the former Wallaby over multiple religious posts on social media that said gays would go to hell.
Palmer said Folau’s actions had a profound and damaging impact “on the children who looked up to him and who struggle every day to understand their sexuality.”
“He will never see the impact he has had on these young people, but if he could, I doubt he could live with himself.
“Fortunately, from my experience in rugby, views like Israel’s are the exception, not the rule.
“It was encouraging to hear a chorus of prominent voices from rugby players and officials around the world condemning his position and continuing to push for a more inclusive and accepting sport landscape.”
Since retiring, Palmer has completed a double Bachelor of Science and Psychology at the Australian National University.
He is now in the middle of a Ph.D. studying the cellular mechanisms of brain function.
