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Are we there yet? Is it Election Day? Is it possible to advance the date a bit from October 17? Not by long – things need to be put in place, pens secured to lengths of string, and the like. What about tomorrow?
Election fatigue hit hard during the leaders’ debate on Tuesday night. It was a long program. It could have been worse: it could still be working. Of course, it seems that it still is and always will be; that Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern and Opposition Leader Judith Collins will make him unhappy forever in front of a live audience in a dark room in Christchurch.
Best of all were the subtitles. He wrote at reckless speed. Ardern transcribed himself saying, “Auckland people could travel and rubber died.” What? Collins transcribed himself saying, “Rattan is happening.” Hey? Best of all, which I tried not to take personally, was the subtitle that said Collins said, “Steve is going to rot.” In fact, he said “Teeth”, but the same difference.
It was the third debate of the electoral campaign and both leaders brought their game B. Nothing new in that of Ardern. In general, she has been quite desperate in every debate; a bit of a total boring howl, not wanting or not being able to say a single memorable thing. However, there was a change in her performance on Tuesday: she moved out. She got down to business with jazz and came very close to playing a tasty air guitar.
As the prime minister played instrumentals, Collins took the lead. She gave a below-average performance, but still managed to say things that sounded like someone who has something to say. Two newspaper editors moderated the discussion and demonstrated that the last people you want to have moderated a discussion are two newspaper editors. Neither of them pushed questions or demanded answers. Collins did both, jumping down Ardern’s throat as the prime minister gave her routine response on whether she will vote for cannabis legalization in the referendum without giving any response. “You voted in favor, didn’t you?” Collins interrupted. “Reply! Reply! How did you vote? Answer the question! Did you vote for her? Yes or no? You voted for her, right?
The leader of the National Party won the first debate comfortably. The second probably won. Death won the third debate, the promise of eternal sleep was as strong as the transmission dragged on, but Collins was responsible for the few signs of life. She laughed, accused, said the magic words: “Dr. Shane Reti.” Not a debate goes by without Collins calling out the name of the National health spokesperson, who is surely capable of preparing a vaccine for Covid and will personally provide fluoride to the city’s water supplies.
The program was preceded by a pop of voters. A Waikato woman, who was asked who she would prefer as prime minister, said: “I must say that Judith Collins has put on a good show.” Beautifully put. Collins has nothing to lose except the political careers of quite a few national MPs who, according to opinion polls, will be on the road on October 17, but he has run a solid and free campaign, sometimes meaningful, sometimes excited about him, and impressed as one of the few people in public life who has no interest in regarding Ardern as any kind of holy being. “Where did that come from?” mocked the prime minister on Tuesday, regarding an unforgettable comment by Ardern. “Under a stone in your garden?” Ardern looked at her, confused, as if imagining the rocks in his garden and what lay beneath.
By the time she moved on, Collins had advanced further. When asked what kind of cars they drive, Ardern said he had a Hyunda EV, Collins said he had a BMW. There was a stir in the studio audience; If the siren song of the debate was death, Collins’ response was a reminder of the only truly good song by Oasis, Supersonic, in which Liam Gallagher sings, “Can I ride with you in your BMW?” Something that many hundreds of thousands of New Zealanders would probably like to ask Collins.
“You make me laugh / Give me your autograph,” Gallagher sings. It has been strange to see Ardern, a bona fide celebrity on the world stage, overshadowed in every debate by the funniest and most compelling Collins, an essentially shallow, selfish politician and a nobody beyond the shores of New Zealand. She has made a good show of it. All roads lead to October 17. It can’t come fast enough for a weary nation and Jacinda Ardern.
