‘I was wondering if someone would love me as I was’: what it’s like to come out with a disability

It’s easy to feel self-conscious, even on the best of dates. But for young Kiwis living with disabilities, dating becomes even more stressful and often uncomfortable.

In their own words, two young Aucklanders share their dating experiences.

Paralympic swimmer-turned-runway model Rebecca Dubber decided to start dating again after winning bronze at the 2016 games in Rio de Janeiro. At age 24, her decision to meet new people followed years of anguish over previous rejections.

Now happily committed to the love of her life, says 27-year-old Dubber. Stuff that her condition, Caudal Regression Syndrome, was in the back of her mind or in the limelight during dating. But not anymore. She begins by telling us about her first date, with her now fiancé.:

We were talking through an app for a week before I had the courage to ask him for coffee.

I met him just three and a half weeks after the Paralympic Games in Rio. I was riding on the slopes of Rio and how amazing it was, while trying to reintegrate myself into normal life. I thought, ‘oh, I should go back to the dating scene. I could find myself a boyfriend.

Is using dating apps different as a person with a disability?

I like to talk to people and have the opportunity to get to know me before meeting me.

All my life, people used to tell me, ‘Once we know you, we can’t see disability. We only see what it can do, not what it can’t. ‘

With that mindset, I thought that if I could get a guy to see me for who I really am, they would have no problem seeing the chair. So I always felt more comfortable talking to people in an app first.

I’ve never had an in-person interaction meeting someone in the traditional romantic comedy way. There had never been someone at school, college, or some random stranger on the street. I never felt like I was going to end up in a relationship like that.

Every girl dreams of her fairytale love fantasy at first sight, but looking back I don’t regret the way I met my partner. He is the love of my life.

What was life like before 2013, before the apps?

I had crushes. I tried my luck where I could, but the feelings were never reciprocated. There were nights after I made a move with a boy I was in love with, had been rejected, and was crying myself to sleep. I wondered, would anyone ever love me the way I was?

The introduction of dating apps really changed the game for me personally. It made me feel more comfortable putting myself out there, after years of just being rejected.

Were there biases about wheelchair use and was it fueling rejection?

I heard comments, confronting comments, saying ‘I would never consider dating a girl in a wheelchair. Someone with a disability is not for me, it is very difficult, you have to take care of them. ‘

They talk about people with disabilities as if we are not people, as if we do not have feelings. It’s hard not to think of this as a reason to be rejected, when these are the comments you’ve heard throughout your life.

There are ingrained stereotypes and prejudices around wheelchair users and people with disabilities. The stigmas say that we are useless, undesirable and that we are not sexual creatures. This plays an important role in the reasons why a person with a disability may be hesitant to expose themselves to the dating world.

Have you ever met someone who didn’t know you used a wheelchair?

God, I backfired big time.

Right after re-downloading once, I met a guy who, right off the bat, said, ‘I don’t like talking here, let’s meet for a drink. I met him for a drink, the date went very well.

He was super attractive, the conversation flowed very well, but when we left he was very cold. He was trying to break the ice and I asked him, ‘Were you surprised when you saw me in my wheelchair?’ He had that stone cold face, without emotion, and said ‘it would have been nice to know beforehand’.

Like something out of a movie, the crosswalk turned green and he walked away. I never heard from him again.

After meeting Mitch, did you know that you had met the right guy?

We became friends very quickly, so the dates got better and better. But even when something goes right, in the back of my mind I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

On our fifth or sixth date, we ended up locked in a building, at the top of 50 or 60 stairs, and there was no ramp to get to the main street. I didn’t feel comfortable asking him to take me downstairs, but he offered to go and find a way into the building … After he was gone for half an hour, I was worried that he would put me in the basket too hard and left.

I was minutes away from calling my dad and saying ‘come find me, my date has left me stranded’. But just when that thought crossed my mind, it appeared with a security guard. I never told him that I thought he had abandoned me, until this year. I was super offended.

Shakti Krishna, 22, was born with spina bifida, which means he uses a wheelchair to get around. Moving to a new city and meeting new people as a college student was complicated, he says, and could at times be a reminder of their difference.

Although he came out of his shell and met new people after moving to Auckland, he is now in a relationship with his high school girlfriend from home. He says Stuff that having friends and a girlfriend who know him and what he needs and doesn’t need is ideal.

As a disabled person, during college, my dating experiences felt very different than my peers. I have roommates, healthy roommates, and it’s interesting that I didn’t feel completely accepted in that dating sphere that they’re a part of.

I originally felt left out, but you learn to find your niche. It is a masculinity problem.

Masculinity can be very strange when you have a physical disability as a boy. You grow up without having the same interaction with the world, where you try to be male and show control over your physical dominance. I think it’s important to understand that you are not going to fulfill a traditional male role, especially in the dating world.

The disability really changed the whole environment. Like when you are paying for something and you can’t reach the counter. It can be quite embarrassing and makes you feel quite small when you are supposed to play a major male role. It’s little things like that that add up and can make you feel very insecure.

Do your dates always know that you use a wheelchair, before meeting them?

When I was younger, I was insecure in a way that I didn’t realize.

You have many internalized oppression issues as a disabled youth. I didn’t realize it until a friend told me, ‘in all your photos, you can’t even tell that you’re in a wheelchair.’

I thought those were my best photos, so it took me a while to realize that I was not representing myself in the way that I should have. I should be proud of this other side of me, but I felt like I had to hide it.

Sometimes I didn’t tell people they used a wheelchair until we met … because I thought it was fun.

The thing is, they can’t really say anything. Surprisingly, no one was ever very bad.

I remember once I was waiting in a park for a girl, we were going to go to the city. I was very afraid that maybe she would see me, realize I was a boy in a wheelchair and then not commit to me. There is always a little fear in the back of my head, but nothing like that ever happened. She was so beautiful. People are much friendlier than you might expect.

You now have a relationship with someone you’ve known for quite some time. How did you reconnect?

It’s a kind of story of locked romance, where we start talking again.

We have a long history, from high school. There is something really comfortable about having a partner who knows your access needs and doesn’t think of you differently. My best friends, my closest friends, can anticipate some of my needs before I can, and they know when to leave me to do my own thing.

Rebecca and Shakti appear on the podcast What we call love.