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NOBODY is sure what the most ridiculous aspect of this World Cup campaign will be.
Whether the finals are held in Qatar or England must play four matches against senior fans, during a global pandemic in which non-essential travel is supposed to be banned.
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Still, it will be a World Cup campaign like no other, starting in an empty Wembley and ending in the desert in winter.
And England started by defeating the worst team in the world, a San Marino team that has never won a competitive soccer game, acceptably.
Dominic Calvert-Lewin scored twice, James Ward-Prowse and Raheem Sterling each and Ollie Watkins scored a debut goal.
The entire time, Harry Kane would have been quietly simmering on the bench, knowing that he could have made significant strides on Wayne Rooney’s scoring record in England had he been allowed to join.
But let’s face it, he wouldn’t have thrilled his Nanna or Aunt Vi, as Southgate said he hoped to do at his pre-game press conference.
This was a sandbag bayonet exercise, nothing more.
None of this is the fault of Southgate or his players, or the opposition, who he doggedly defended, especially in the second half.
You can only beat what’s in front of you, even if the opposition looked like some kind of Jim Henson creation.
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It will be more difficult than this for England in this group: San Marino is a hill with a castle, while Andorra is a pair of royal mountains. And Fraggle Rock has yet to be recognized by FIFA.
In Albania on Sunday, Southgate’s men will have to play against some professional footballers.
We could pretend to tell you what the England manager would have learned from this: that Nick Pope can stay awake for 90 minutes relatively late at night with nothing occupying him.
Southgate would have liked to have seen more cruelty and composure, facing goal.
But we know very well that you will learn much more from any training session.
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If England had racked up double figures, they wouldn’t tell us anything about their ability to beat Croatia here when the Euro starts in June.
Even Southgate didn’t dare to play five defenses against this group, the first pub team allowed to play competitive football in England this year, and a team that probably couldn’t even beat Liverpool at Anfield right now.
Without fans, without competition, without drama or intrigue, it really must have been difficult for the men of Southgate to stay on fire.
However, with a tournament looming this summer, this was at least an opportunity for players to show that they can deal with boredom, often an Achilles heel for English teams of the past.
San Marino managed to frustrate England for 14 minutes, although England was largely frustrated.
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Sterling seized two glorious header opportunities, Jesse Lingard had a shot parried by heroic visiting goalkeeper Elia Benedettini and John Stones flashed over the bar from four yards when scoring would have been easier.
But the opener finally came when Ben Chilwell cut for Ward-Prowse to head home.
He celebrated with an exuberant golf swing and while it was his first goal for England, a polite handshake would have been enough.
The second was a signature Calvert-Lewin header from a signature Reece James cross, a goal that could have been practiced against cones in training ground, which is more or less what happened at Wembley.
Benedettini, who certainly never wants to spring into action in his role, made another excellent stop from a Chilwell ranger.
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San Marino then, inadvisedly, attempted to play from behind, directly to Mason Mount, who fed Sterling, three defenders fell to his feet while drilling from an angle.
It was Sterling’s fifth attempt at goal – he had left Lingard screaming in the middle when he avidly attempted a solo goal earlier.
Then absolute scenes, when San Marino won a corner, which they wasted. Quickly followed by an offensive free kick, also wasted.
Southgate made four backups at halftime: Phil Foden, Jude Bellingham, Kieran Trippier and Tyrone Mings for Sterling, Mount, James and Stones.
Lingard soon set up Calvert-Lewin to score his second and England fourth.
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Spoilsport Southgate did not allow the Everton center forward to complete his hat-trick, sending Watkins out of Aston Villa for his debut.
It is a moment that any footballer dreams of, but quite devalued compared to those who do not belong to the league in front of 90,000 empty seats.
Ward-Prowse had a chance to hit a 25-yard free kick, as he usually does with Southampton, but Benedettini touched it on the post, as many Premier League goalkeepers have failed to do.
Then a lovely moment for Watkins, who accepted a pass from Foden who was running around to guide his shot.
No one except the San Marino goalkeeper will remember much about tonight, if England arrive in Qatar in November 2022 by the end of this campaign.
That we have to go through three more games like this, against San Marino and Andorra twice, is really an extraordinary waste of time for all of us.
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