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I am 31 years old and she 29. We are a mixed race couple (she is Iban and Chinese, and I am Chinese). We have been together for two years.
I live with my mom, I lost my dad six years ago and my younger brother is working abroad.
When I met my girlfriend, I was excited and told my mother about a month after we met.
My mother was reluctant to accept it at first and then gradually it turned into an outright rejection of my girlfriend due to her race and job (she is a store manager for a well-known mobile phone brand).
My mom reacted very emotionally and asked that we not see each other again.
My girlfriend and I decided to keep our relationship with my mother. During these two years, our love developed and we discovered that we are happy and compatible together.
Recently when my mom asked me about my love life, I revealed that I am still with my girlfriend.
She reacted with the same emotion as two years ago and forced us to break up.
She threatened to disown me and say that everyone in my family would be disappointed in me if I married this girl. He even texted my girlfriend and urged her to leave me if she loves me.
My girlfriend politely apologized for all the trouble she caused but refused to leave unless it was my decision.
Now I am divided between the two women I love. One is my mother, whom I love and who has lost her husband; the other is my love and the happiness of my future. I can’t give up on either one because I love and really care about them in the same way.
I feel like a commitment needs to be made and that our love can withstand this test, but at the same time I feel desperate because of my mother’s insistent rejection.
Lost and helpless
In healthy relationships, parents raise their children to be independent adults, able to find and bond with a compatible partner.
Ideally, everyone gets along. But in cases where there is a little friction, we adjust our limits and are a little more distant and polite. We always remember the key fact: when our loved ones have partners who make them happy, we are happy for them.
You have found a girl that you are happy with, who loves you too, and your relationship has grown stronger as it has matured. Your mother’s reaction is to destroy your happiness. The reasons she gives for her outrageous behavior show that she is racist and snobbish.
As if that wasn’t problematic enough, there’s the emotional blackmail. Look, she’s a widow and it’s a shame, but it doesn’t mean you’re a substitute husband. As for the threats to disown him and isolate him from the family, this is all part of the horrendous intimidation.
While there are different ways of looking at marriage, you want to marry your loved one and have a relationship with your mother. That is not going to be easy.
If you simply marry your beloved, I suspect that your mother will do everything possible to turn your girlfriend’s life into a pittance. Also, she will try to cause trouble between the two of you by fabricating fights. To avoid this, set limits.
You and your partner must be a united front; a solid partner. Make sure your mother understands that she has a choice – she can treat both of you with respect and have a relationship with both of you, but if she can’t do this, then you will be less present in her life.
I’m not saying you should abandon it. You can visit it on your own, for example. But clearly you cannot allow your mother to hurt your partner.
Darling, I’m sorry for both of you because this won’t be easy. When toxic people are frustrated, they throw tantrums. They also use emotional blackmail. They often gather friends to make you feel guilty and coerce you. Some will fake illnesses, accidents, and even pretend to commit suicide – anything to get their way.
You must be ready to resist all these stratagems and repeat: “Be respectful to me and my wife, or you will see me less.”
Your mother may interrupt you, but from your description of her character, it is unlikely to last long. If she goes that far, I predict that she will create some kind of drama with the intention of taking you running alongside her.
I suspect your heart is sinking reading this. I’m afraid this is why bullies like your father get away with it so often – most of us just can’t deal with this kind of evil.
Although you are only asking for normal, healthy behavior, you are likely feeling difficult emotions. Therefore, I suggest that you enlist the support of a mental health professional who is trained to deal with abusive and toxic relationships. You need support and so does your wife.
Also, a bit of encouragement: there are many people who manage to maintain relationships with toxic and abusive people. You just need to stand your ground.
See your mother as a two-year-old girl who falls to the ground because she can’t get away with it. Don’t reassure her; ignore her when she misbehaves. Eventually they will learn that they can’t mess with you.
Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help. Please email [email protected] or write to Dear Thelma, c / o StarLifestyle, Menara Star, 15, Jalan 16 / 11,46350 Petaling Jaya, Selangor. Include your full name, address, and a pseudonym. Private correspondence will not be accepted. The star does not make any warranties about the accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for a particular purpose, or other warranties as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The star disclaims all responsibility for losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and points of view.
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