Tell us about your love and marriage story.
Wajid and I were dating in college; we met at Mithibai College. Our courtship lasted more than 10 years. In those days he was a musician with Bappi Da and traveled a lot for shows. We always kept in touch through letters. He used to perform at collegiate and intercollegiate levels and always won.
When we finally decided to get married, we discussed the issue of religion. Wajid came from a family that expected me to convert to their faith, if I chose to be their wife. He was not very happy with the idea of conversion and was concerned that this would be an obstacle in our marriage. So we decided to take a month to think about this issue and post that period of reflection, he decided to respect my choice not to convert. Love prevailed over religion. Obviously, his family was not at all happy with his decision to marry me, but he moved on with it. The first months of marriage were a blessing, even though her family had minimal contact with me. However, over a period of time, his family, especially his mother, began to pressure him to convert, and over the years, especially after the birth of my children, the efforts to try to convert me reached epic proportions, to a level where the gap in my relationship with Wajid widened.
When you got married, was there any opposition from the family?
In the case of my side of the family, aside from the usual skepticism around marrying a person of a different faith, there were none. In fact, my family even tried to break the ice by suggesting that we organize a wedding that included the traditions of both religions, but their part of the family blatantly refused. Things got worse after the marriage; almost everything I did, including my motherhood, was linked to my religion; Not being Muslim meant that my children were already separated because Wajid would not be home. He was torn and confused: his family imposed their orthodoxy on him and me and when I did not move, I became something of an outcast. He became an absent father and husband.
Was there any discussion about religion when you decided to get married?
Yes, as mentioned above, I was not happy with the idea of conversion and after much thought we decided to get married under the Special Marriage Law. If religion had been so important to Wajid, he would not have married a Parsee. The fact that he was marrying me despite knowing that I would not convert showed that at the time he was broad-minded enough to respect my choice. It was later that she succumbed to pressure from her mother.
Was there any effort to force you to convert?
Yes, direct pressure, for sure! And a lot of indirect pressures too. For example, Wajid’s family kept insisting that our children were illegitimate, as was our marriage, as we had not married according to Muslim law (nikaah, which if I did, it would mean that I would convert to Islam). . For them, the Special Marriages Law meant nothing. I could never hold a Parsi festival without them crying about it. They also stopped attending any of our Parsi family functions and his mother was openly telling Wajid, in my presence, to remarry, which he obviously did not agree to do. His family’s behavior was disrespectful to me. Wajid’s refusal to give in on his beliefs, his refusal to accept another point of view, and the unnecessary interference and influence of his family ensured that he was never by my side as a husband should. Another scary tactic was for him to file for a divorce if I didn’t convert. Of course, we didn’t eventually end up divorcing when she realized her insanity.
What and when did things go wrong?
The constant interference from his mother and other family members, along with constant pressure to convert, affected the health of our relationship. He moved out after a fight when Arshi was between 2.5 and 3 years old. He came back again after three years. We had Hrehaan. And again, due to the same pressure that followed, he left again in 2014 and filed for divorce. There was this constant of leaving home and returning, again to leave again. He was not present for hospital visits or responsibilities towards the children. He handled everything without help. When he filed for divorce in court, I was devastated and very disappointed. However, for the sake of my children, I continued to strive to have extremely friendly relations with him whenever he came to visit them. We traveled together, went out to eat and to the movies, like a normal family. Towards the last year and a half of her life, she would visit us often and apologize profusely to me and the children for leaving us but she was never able to muster up the courage to go against her mother and return to us. His poor health and mental state made me take it easy too; After all, I had loved this person all my life! Even from the hospital, in his last days he was constantly in contact with us a couple of times a day during the confinement.
Why have you chosen to speak now?
Now when he takes what is owed to his children, I feel compelled to speak up. Life has brought me to a point where I need to fight for the due inheritance of my children, as his family usurped his property after Wajid’s death. I am both a father and a mother to them, and in practical terms, I always have been! My daughter is 16 years old and my son is 9 years old. I have to pay for his education and our maintenance. I work as a clinical hypnotherapist and our main source of income has been Wajid’s marital support. If that is also being taken away (by those who have not bothered to keep in touch with me or my children for the past 7-8 years, for such unfair reasons, I have to fight on all fronts.
Also, my reasons for speaking are tied to an inherent sense of justice. No woman should have to face what I have faced during these 17 years of marriage. If my children’s inheritance is threatened and my reputation is dragged through the mud, I will speak up. No one should be able to get away with it. Aside from the legal battles, people should know. If an educated and independent woman like me can go through this just because she married for love and did not convert, much worse can happen to others who have less power. Beyond forced conversions and conversion-linked marriages, I want to focus on the trauma I have faced. My post is not against any religion. All religions are the same, this is how faith is used to distort things. I am opposed to this distortion.
.
