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When she revealed her pregnancy loss on Twitter and Instagram, Chrissy Teigen knew exactly what was going to happen next.
Of course, there was an expected and legitimate outpouring of sympathy and empathy both for her loss and for sharing her raw pain, a brave gesture, but behind that nest of support and love, questions arose from insensitive internet commentators.
Why didn’t you go to the emergency room earlier?
Was all of this organized to get attention?
Did you really dislike it that much if you could “pose” for a photo?
Teigen’s warts and her brand’s entire focus on social media have made her a popular figure in the space. She is not shy about showing vulnerability or realistic depictions of life as a working mother.
In the run-up to losing her pregnancy this week, she posted a photo of herself on Instagram in the bathroom, with her daughter standing behind her with the caption: “Every day she makes me a warm (not hot! cold!) and refuses. To let me wash my hair, girls, man @johnlegend, how did we get so lucky with lulu? “
“Not hot, cold” refers to the temperature of the water, recognizing the medical guidance that pregnant women should not bathe in a hot bath, because it is believed to possibly cause effects such as a drop in blood pressure, possible oxygen deprivation for the baby, miscarriage or birth defects.
Already Teigen was aware that behind the scenes people were waiting to criticize, tell him the right way to be pregnant, and of course point out the wrong way to be pregnant. A common feeling among anyone who has been pregnant.
So when she announced that she had lost the pregnancy, I doubt she would have been surprised when the questions started. Attempts to find a cause. And guilt.
Going public is brave. Not making it public is also brave. Surviving the pregnancy loss in and of itself is brave.
But we must have great respect for what Teigen shared when he knew what was going to happen next.
Fortunately, some of the externally attacking Twitter accounts were shut down. I hope someone else is monitoring her timelines as she recovers so that she is not subjected to abuse.
But some of the seemingly less abusive comments, questions, and “helpful comments” are a good representation of what people experiencing pregnancy loss face in the real world.
Insidious microaggressions disguised as concern. Were you drinking a lot of coffee? Did you lift anything heavy? You hadn’t eaten sushi or anything like that, right?
Or “don’t worry, it’s not your fault.” Did I say it was?
The sad fact about miscarriage, something that aggravates the pain, is that in the vast majority of cases it is “bad luck.” Can’t be blamed. There is no reason for highlighting.
What we also know is that it is incredibly difficult for a woman to “provoke” a miscarriage.
Sometimes, even when there is no detectable heartbeat, it can take weeks for the body to begin the process of allowing the fetus or baby to leave the body.
However, thus begins the search for a cause and the placement of blame, which always seems to fall directly on the person carrying the baby. And in doing so, we can compound misplaced guilt and pain.
Of course, I should point out, there were no questions to ask Teigen’s husband, John Legend, if he had had the quality of his sperm tested.
One result of the silence around miscarriage, documented over and over again through countless columns, documentaries, books and articles, is a real lack of education about pregnancy loss and its causes.
Inability to accept what happens and often we don’t know why or if we do, it’s just no one’s fault.
A deficit in how to comfort anyone affected by the loss of pregnancy, including partners, grandparents and friends.
Without knowledge or understanding, more harm can be done, and with large numbers of women burdened with post-loss depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and other trauma, this is a real consequence of that silence.
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Isabelle Oderberg is a journalist and communications professional working in the non-profit sector. On her journey to have her two children she had seven pregnancy losses. She is now writing a book on miscarriage in Australia, tentatively titled Hard To Bear.
