As such, we strive to call out our better angels, modeling as much equality and empathy as possible, with the small hope that these moments will surpass countless others.
There are times when this is easy, and when this is difficult. Right now, just because no one out there remains obscure, it’s a lot harder.
Epidemics, school closures, the fight against racial injustice, climate crisis and political uncertainty have made it difficult for anyone to reasonably keep up with it this year. Now add to this list Raise the future caregivers of this sensitive world.
The good news is that we don’t need children to be pillars of power in the midst of destruction. Neither parental discomfort or frustration means that the child will inevitably experience discomfort or stress now, or in the future.
More important than how we feel unsettled is how we deal with these volatile emotions. This is the case whether it is the parents or our children experiencing anxiety or depression.
The relationship between parents and children’s mental health
Marcy Bersian, a clinical psychologist and employee of the National Institute of Mental Health, who has done research on the subject, explains that there is a long-established relationship between parents and a child’s mental health problems.
Why, however, remains uncertain. It’s probably a combination of genetics, biology and the environment, Burston said. Also, it is not always something that is passed from parent to child; A child’s behavior can affect their parents.
“This is a bit of a chicken and egg phenomenon,” Berstein said. “The relationship between parent and child is bilateral and complex. Sometimes a worried child can take away a parent’s warmth or over-encouragement, as studies show.”
No matter where and how mental illness begins – something that is impossible to determine with precision – Burston wants parents to know that no one is to blame.
“Mental health issues should be considered like any other illness,” he said. “We don’t blame anyone for having diabetes.”
Ally Labobitz, director of the Yale Child Study Center’s program for anxiety disorder, agreed.
When children experience anxiety and frustration, they rarely think that their own struggles with a parent’s mental health are a direct cause.
This is not to say that parents have no influence on their children’s mental well-being.
That’s all in the answer
Sometimes anxiety and sadness can be managed without professional help. And sometimes they are so strong that they qualify as a clinical disorder and seek professional help.
Either way, denying this pain hurts our children and ourselves in the long run. Doing emotionally healthy work, which is also a difficult and brave thing to do, is to acknowledge our struggles in front of our children and to model a healthy response for them.
“Children look to parents to understand reality and to understand the world. It starts from the beginning,” LeBoitz said. He pointed to a study in which infants responded to their parents ’facial expressions when deciding whether or not to crawl on the floor. The children of the frightened-looking parents stopped crying. Those whose parents looked calm kept crying.
He added, “This is one of the main ways we learn about what is safe and dangerous and what is happy and sad.” Our children like our verbal and abnormal emotional cues, and are more discerning than we often give them credit for.
This is not to say that we should always be quiet. When we are concerned about Covid-19, wildfires, racism or economic insecurity – or we have a clinical anxiety disorder – we should adapt it to our children in an age-appropriate manner.
Pressure-letting can be done through exercise, quitting work, making a phone call with a friend or therapist. “Find those little ways to recharge your battery,” LeBoitz said.
But that’s not all. In addition to finding ways to help themselves, parents should also talk about what is happening to their children.
“It’s horrible for a child to have a struggling parent and not talk about it and talk about it against a struggling parent,” LeBoitz said. “Just be sure to use the word they understand.”
For young children, “sad” and “scared” are probably better choices than “indifferent” and “restless”.
Age-appropriate conversations about anxiety and frustration can achieve many things. For one thing, talking to your children normalizes these feelings and it is okay to show children that they accept and express them. Second, the conversation ensures that parental stress and discomfort to children is not the children’s fault. Finally, when parents talk about what they are doing to cope with these feelings, they show their children how to deal with their own hard feelings.
“Instead of engaging in unjust behaviors such as destructive, catastrophic, shutting down or yelling, parents should try to model right now,” Berstein said.
When those children are anxious, Labovitz encourages respect for the parents, but they are not engaged in their anxieties. This can go against the instinct of the parents to protect the children from the fears they feel. But the line between protecting unhealthy and irrational behaviors and living arrangements can be a slippery slope.
If a child is afraid to go to the park because she is worried she may get coronavirus there, don’t say: “I understand you’re scared and we won’t go.” Instead, say: “I understand you’re scared, but we know this is safe, and I know you can do it.”
“Parents are like children looking in the mirror to find out about themselves,” LeBoitz told me.
In my experience, the mirror goes both ways. My kids are watching my reaction to stress and sadness inspires me to deal with it in a healthier way than hiding under a blanket and scrolling through Twitter for hours.
Problems may not improve, but my ability to deal with them is.
Alyssa Strauss Is a regular contributor to CNN, where he writes about patriarchal politics and culture.
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