Dear Amy: My husband and I have two amazing teenage daughters.
They are mediocre, intelligent, and conscientious.
I am very proud of her and look forward to seeing what she does in her life, but this is also where my fear lies.
They grew up witnessing an unusual code-dependent relationship between their father and me.
Although we are currently working on a healthy solution, I’m afraid some of the damage has already been done.
Our daughters were never in danger and as parents we have always tried to prioritize their needs over our own, but I also see some of my not so admirable traits of low self-control and hints of his addictive behavior in them.
I’m afraid they’ll make the same mistakes and choose unusual habits and / or relationships.
What advice can you give them to help them recognize and prevent this? I certainly hope these apples fall far from this tree.
Worried parent
Dear Concerned: You do not sketch the specific nature of the dynamics in your household, but I would venture an argument that some of the traits you mention may be hardwired for your daughters, while others are situational and learned behaviors ( based on the dynamic they were witnessing and absorbing in the early childhood years).
It’s important and helpful to be as honest as possible with your teenage daughters about your own mistakes, failures and vulnerabilities, but – when it comes to old-fashioned words, “Do as we say, not as we do” has a very limited utility .
If you and / or your husband are struggling with an addiction, it is important that your daughters receive responsible information and support. Introduce them to a peer support group ‘friends and family’, such as Alateen (Al-anon.org).
I think it is also important that you seek your own professional help. The message should be: ‘I have sought help for my problems; I work my program, and it helps. “Hide or stigmatize the role of therapy as support groups; these are lifelines.
In addition to all this chatting, it is also important that you listen. Your daughters need to know that they can be honest with you and that you will listen with compassion and do your best to support them when they need it.
Dear Amy: My loving husband of 45 years died unexpectedly three years ago. He was the sweetest, caring person I have ever met. I had a young daughter from a previous marriage when we met. He adopted my daughter and treated her and the son we had together wonderfully.
My husband was 71 when he died. I have not succeeded in my life. People tell me he does not want me to go on with my life, but HE was my life. He was my best friend – he was everything to me.
I regularly cry myself to sleep.
What should I do now? My mom helped me the most, but she and Daddy were married for 63 years until she died last year.
The women in our family live long lives.
I pray all the time, and it has helped, but I have to do something else.
Can you help?
Sadness
Best regards: I’m sorry for your losses. Grief is the most challenging of all emotions, because it deprives you of even the slightest pleasure in the world.
Connecting with other people in an authentic way will help you, but your grief has effectively separated you from others.
You say that prayer helps, and because you seem spiritually oriented, I suggest you join a faith community. The current pandemic has actually opened up the opportunities for worship because so many houses of worship have moved their services online.
Investigating your question I have reviewed several inspiring services – all available online every day of the week. You need to start an internet search.
Professional guidance of grief would help you tremendously. Your doctor could help you contact a counselor. Your local hospice center will host personal (or online) grief groups, where you can connect with and communicate with other grief people. Think: Communication and community. This is the way forward.
Dear Amy: “Allergy sufferers” complain of a very serious allergy to poop, often transmitted to them by dogs when they rub against them on the walkway.
Instead of chastizing dog owners, why not just suggest they use another trail?
Disappointed
Best Disappointed: This is truly a case of “the trail the dog is taking.” Maybe the dogs should use a different trail.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy of Facebook.)
COPYRIGHT © 2020 BY AMY DICKINSON.
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