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By Rakhi Beekrum 
1h ago
We are in week 5 of the confinement in South Africa, and by now many households would have experienced some level of family conflict.
So why are the chances of family conflict so high during this time? First of all, none of us are used to spending 24/7 under the same roof as our families for weeks.
Second, we all have different needs, given that our personalities are different and that we are at different stages of our lives. This means that our needs may conflict with each other. E.g. some need quiet time to promote a feeling of calm, while others may need music or liveliness to feel sane.
Also, some need time alone, while others may feel the need for more togetherness and closeness.
Third, we may not have access to our usual coping mechanisms, eg. Eg going to the gym, playing sports, seeing our friends or even going to work. Many are distracted from unhealthy family relationships by going to work every day, which means they are away from the troubled situation for most of the day, but now there is no escape.
Fourth, we all cope differently (sometimes healthily, sometimes not), and our coping can really upset others. E.g. A person who manages to be super organized can annoy someone who is struggling with the routine due to stress. Someone who copes when talking about things can annoy another who withdraws when stressed.
So what do we do?
Understand how you feel
Identify how you cope, and if your way of dealing with it is helpful or harmful. Then establish what you need to feel safe. Once you know it, it’s easier to take steps to meet these needs, either by yourself or by communicating with others.
Communicate your feelings and needs to others.
Remember, they are not mind readers, so don’t assume it should be obvious. Be aware of your tone when communicating. You are more likely to get what you want when you ask politely and explain why it matters.
Negotiate limits
Agree on boundaries that distinguish family time from solo time, work time from free time, task sharing, etc.
Choose your battles wisely
We will spend a lot of time with our family and there is still no easy escape. So before a confrontation, make sure it’s just as important. If so … rather express your complaint as a wish. Instead of complaining about something (for example, you never wash dishes), express your wish (for example, it would be really helpful if you washed dishes after using them).
Connect with other people who are good for your mental health.
Be sure to interact with at least one person outside your home every day (using technology).
Prioritize your self-care
Be sure to do at least one thing that makes you feel good (for example, exercise, meditation, journaling, breathing exercises, reading, etc.).
Rakhi Beekrum is a counseling psychologist.
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