Complaints. Bragging. Say “natch” instead of natural. There is a long list of annoying behaviors. But there is probably no one who can boil the blood faster than condescension. Talking to someone immediately makes a person arrogant and, frankly, assholish. Even if it is unintentional, patronizing or following behavior just has a way of setting our internal triggers like no other, because it can make us feel like an inferior.
“When someone demonstrates a pattern of offspring, it shows a need for power, to keep people small so that they feel bigger,” says Joni Siani, a communications professor at Manhattanville College. “It comes from that person’s insecurity.”
It is easy to understand when someone becomes post-sexual. It’s much harder to censor when we do it ourselves. Whether we realize it or not, we are all guilty of appearing superior from time to time. It can stem from an excitement in knowing an answer. It might come from the fact that you are used to explaining things to children in very simple terms. It would come from fear that it will not be able to explain something that you do not seem to be in place at your job or in your family. It can be your tone of voice, body language, or tendency to insert the words “actual” or “just” into sentences. And in fact, you can just do it on purpose to feel superior to someone. (See what we did there?)
Since the behavior can really rub people off in the wrong way, it’s good to be on the lookout for behaviors that might make you as patronizing or obedient. Here are nine such habits.
Using the world “actually …” too often
“Actually” at the beginning of a statement portrays an uninvited correction, as in, “Actually, it is pronounced es-parse-oh – no ‘x.’ “Unless you are paid to provide expertise, your insights do not add up, no matter how well intended.
“The motivation for ‘actually’ is, ‘Look at me, I’m worse than you,’ ‘says John Crossman, CEO of Crossman Career Builders which coaches job-seekers and companies about hard conversations. ‘The exact details of what someone says in most conversations do not really matter, so let them talk. It’s not the time to take. ‘
Raise your voice
It’s one thing to “FIRE!” To shout when the building is on fire. It’s another to say “typo” at a louder than normal volume if you found an error in an employee’s email. “Any level of elevated speech – loud or loud – can be offset,” Crossman says. It is good to show enthusiasm. But try to avoid raising your voice in a harsh or aggressive way, as it often does
Using “Yeah, Right” and other sarcastic phrases
Making sarcastic remarks like “yeah, right,” “what,” “really” and “pfft” are subtle, tendentious ways of saying, “You lie.” “It’s very cutting,” Crossman says. “These comments are empty and do not provide insight. They are also immature. ”
Interrupt often
This is a hard habit to break, especially for men. While one may interrupt in some context it may be – say, asking for clarity at some point – inserting with comments is often not welcome. You tell someone: what I have to say is more important than what you have to say. “When you cut someone short, you crush that person’s enthusiasm,” Siani says. ‘The least you can do to someone who tells a story or is ready to tell a joke is to say,’ I’ve heard this before. ‘Even if it’s something you’ve heard before, exercise patience and let them tell it. ‘
Use the word “Just”
For some of us, “just” is the text- or email-equivalent of “um” in spoken communication – a subconscious tic to support what we say. But like “um”, adding “just” undermines the intent of your message. Think of “I am writing to check you in” versus “I am exactly write to check in with you. Worse, using “just” to diminish someone’s feelings or experience – as in just a small touch – is classic invalidity. “That’s very painful,” Crossman says. “‘Just’ does not take the loss that someone feels. ‘
By saying “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Empathizing and validating someone’s feelings can be a thought-provoking thing to do in conversation. But saying something about the lines of “I’m sorry you feel that way” does nothing.
“It’s very declining,” Crossman says. When you tell a carpenter that you are not happy with how he put your cupboards in, and he responds, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” the underlying message is that he will not work around the situation. to improve. In fact, Crossman suggests saying something like, ‘I’m sorry I heard that. How can I help you? ‘ “The difference is that you allow them to have their feelings, but indicate that you are also willing to work together to make it right,” he says.
Saying “Lighten Up”
As with “just”, “enlighten” and other similar phrases ignore the feelings of the person trying to communicate with you. ‘It may seem benign,’ says Siani, ‘but what you are saying is,’ Your feelings are not important to me. I do not honor how you feel. I have no time for your thoughts. ‘”
Texting during a conversation
The way to be disadvantaged is by paying attention. It’s about understanding the person you are dating. There is no way to do that if you are distracted by an incoming text, especially if you are responding to said text. “If someone is talking and you are not paying their attention, then that is tendentious,” Siani says. “Even 10- and 15-year-olds know it doesn’t feel right when someone texts them when they talk to them.”
Jokes at the wrong time
There is a time and a place for humor – in fact most times and most places. But there are times when making a joke is unappealing – not irreplaceable, per se, but unnecessary and potentially approachable. “Men don’t always have the skill set to sit in their emotions,” Crossman says. “When things get deep, they make a joke.”
Crossman was attending an event to honor his old running coach, and one of the tour guides – who went on to become an Olympian – told an emotional story about how important the coach had been to him. And the old coach blew out a joke. “He couldn’t handle how difficult the story was,” Crossman says. Be aware when someone is trying to make a statement and deal with the emotions instead of making a joke to distract yourself.
Conditioning is about trying to prove some power over others, intentionally or unintentionally, and ultimately showing insecurity instead of power. Regardless of your word choice, remember to understand and understand the real purpose of conversation.
“People don’t remember the words you use,” Siani says. ‘They remember how you feel about them. If you’re a joker and you’re trying to change that and build relationships, then make a conscious choice to find the people around you. ”
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