18 best names for Amazon’s ‘climate engagement arena’

So we really are doing this, huh?

Seattle is getting a hockey team, which is great (now bring the Sonics back, monsters). Although the team does not have a name yet, the arena in which they will play next season does. Because Seattle is a city of business, Amazon, of course. bought the naming rights. And decided to name it … Climate compromise arena. Weather. Promise. Sand. ANDyou know after Amazon commitment to become carbon neutral by 2040.

This is the biggest Seattle sports disaster since Russell Wilson launched a goal line. pick up in Super Bowl XLIX (come on Pats!). When the name of the arena and the models were announced on Wednesday, the responses ranged from “is this real?” to “is this the onion?” to “I am still processing initial news.”

Amazon has made an increasingly concerted attempt to build some good weather conditions. But much of it has been public relations, and the arena is a prime example. The little things the sand will do reportedly do the right thing: no single-use plastic, offset emissions, zero emission Zambonis (!!) are really cool, assuming there’s no loopholes. The large, shiny logo will rise above Seattle’s Queen Anne neighborhood to serve as, according to Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos’ Instagram post, a “regular reminder of the urgent need for climate action”. Specifically, Amazon’s climate action plan, which it is totally inadequate.

Which one, OK, but also like … was 100 degrees Fahrenheit (37.8 degrees Celsius) in Siberia this weekend. It is quite clear that we need climate action, and a most americans know this! Reducing the fact that the biosphere is being suffocated by rapacious corporations like Amazon by converting it in a chintzy brand exercise it is not.

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Maybe it’s Amazon that I could use the reminder. For all public relations about the arena name and promise, the company saw its own broadcasts 15 percent increase last year. That laid off workers who I speak on climate justice and the protection of warehouse workers. Rent cloud computing and machine learning software for fossil fuel companies, most recently making the company behind the Keystone XL Pipeline transition completely to AWS.

It’s almost like David Koch buying (or rather donating enough for) name rights for the dinosaur wing of the American Museum of Natural History to wash away its reputation as an absolute monster. I asked my Gizmodo colleagues to help me find some names that more accurately reflect the spirit of Amazon and its track record in the environment, workers rights, human rights, taxes, consumer protectionsand inequality:

  1. Looting
  2. Tax free and death arena
  3. Secretly funded by Shell and BP Arena
  4. Think of all the homeless people that could fit in this arena
  5. [Jeff Bezos Shouting ‘Earth’ Over Deafening Drilling Sound] Sand
  6. ICE is a perfectly good law enforcement agency arena
  7. Free Firephone Arena
  8. Non-intelligent or articulated sand
  9. OSHA Can Suck It Sand
  10. Arena of commitment without commitment
  11. This is what other arenas have been called
  12. We have a few sand fixes
  13. N95 Masks Certified Safe JustinBieber.png Arena
  14. Add-On Square Gardens
  15. Alive Girl Arena
  16. Union Busting Arena
  17. The public relations arena
  18. Jeff

In the spirit of giving, Amazon can use any of these names if they choose to reconsider the Climate Pledge Arena. Honestly, it might not be a bad idea because we’re being honest, no one is going to call it that.

In conclusion, good luck to the Seattle hockey team.